It's so hard to say good-bye

Stephen and I both agreed that after the storm, we'd lost a lot of the attachment we'd previously had for our house. When we got home, it was trashed and cold and stinky and just so empty. It wasn't home, it was a big nagging chore.

We think that this was one of the main factors in encouraging him to go ahead and apply for out-of-area jobs. Sure, it would be a big deal to move, and a big deal to sell, but a manageable deal. No longer the emotional heartache that it would have been when I was in love with our house and dreaming of never having to move ever again.

But, first things first, in order to get other people to actually want to purchase your house, it can't be the pit of despair. So we've been pouring lots of $$$, as well as blood, sweat and tears into making it nice. Not just nice. Beautiful. The house I fell in love with. BETTER than the house I fell in love with.

For example, we boarded up the fireplace last winter (or was it fall?) when baby Benjamin, who was just learning to cruise, broke one of the glass panes. When we looked into having it repaired, we learned you couldn't buy that sort of replacement part and the whole fireplace front would have to be replaced — and a new one was $600 or so. We thought about it, but then just decided to leave it boarded up. And somewhere in my mind, I equated "boarded up fireplace" with "fireplace is broken." It had a bandaid for its ouchie, you know? :-) And soon, I pretty much forgot we had one at all. It just blended into the background.

It was actually Stephen's dad who pointed out that the doors just unscrew. There is still a metal screen behind them, and a perfectly functioning fireplace. The house flippers said they've sold many houses that just have the black screen and no glass doors. So we took them off, cleaned up the whole thing and had a fire, just for the hell of it. It was so bittersweet, I can't even begin to explain. Here I was, sitting in my beautiful house, in front of a roaring fire, cuddling on the couch with my husband for pretty much the last time ever. Sniff sniffle. And the worst part is, it was never really broken. We could have enjoyed our fireplace for all this time, with the help of a simple screwdriver and some dust rags.

It sucks that all the things we're doing to make our house sell make me want to stay. The emotional attachment is coming back worse than before. But if we don't do them, then we'll be stuck with the house! Who cares if I'm not emotionally attached to it if we can't unload it on someone else?

Anyway, it's starting to look really smashing. About $200 on repairs and accessories has really gone a long way. And I think it's a great investment, because not only are we going to get a better price for our house, we get to take a lot of the stuff with us. Yay!

I should have photos to post of how it all turned out sometime early next week. Stay tuned!

Why is growing up so bittersweet?

Ben did not nurse tonight while I was home on my dinner break. This should be good news. Wasn't I weaning him? Wait. Why was that again?

So, first I wanted to get my fertility back, I guess to see if there was anything wrong with me and to start charting. I thought it would take months and months. Well, that's taken care of.

Next, I wanted to learn to chart, but know that being new, there could be an accident. Previously that was OK with me. What's the difference if things happen eight months earlier than we planned? It's just a few months, right? Well, Stephen's new job won't provide us with health insurance until he's worked there for six months. So now, that six months is vital. There can be no accidents. So, in our best financial interests, I switched back to the combo pill, knowing its a lot stronger than the mini pill and we'd be much safer from accidents.

Can't chart on the pill. I mean, you could, but it'd be silly. So really, I'll take the pills up until the insurance kicks in and then start charting, I guess.

I knew that the combo pill makes your supply tank. That was OK with me, since we were weaning.

Now, I have a period, I'm taking combo pills, and we're moving. Ben is having a really tough time with all of it. Especially the moving. The house is different. We're always cleaning. He can't make messes any more. His stuff is rapidly disappearing. OUR stuff is rapidly disappearing. To a 2-year-old, this is his whole world turning upside down. He has already regressed a ton with his potty training. He refuses to go pee-pee in his potty now. He will sit on it for awhile, but only goes in his diaper. Stephen took the diaper off and kept putting him back on the potty over and over today, about every 20-30 minutes or so. Nothing. Finally, he goes into the corner and pees on the carpet. And then he says outloud, "No pee-pee on carpet!" and tries to clean up the wet spot WITH MY PURSE!!!!!!!! Le sigh.

I didn't make a deal out of it. I told Stephen just to let the potty thing go. If our house in upheaval is already traumatizing him, I can't even imagine what it will be like when Stephen leaves, and then when we live with my mom, and then when we live in a whole new place ... of course he's going to regress. We're kidding ourselves if we think anything otherwise.

So wouldn't it make sense to just put all the weaning plans on hold, since he will clearly be needing to nurse more for security as all these changes happen in his life? Of course it would! And I really have no other reasons for weaning at 2 other than the ones I mentioned. (I'm ignoring the mounting family pressure. Really, I swear.)

But I think it's too late. The pills have tanked my supply. Now I literally have just a few drops when I used to have ounces and ounces. He gets this sad look on his face when he nurses. He latches for a very short period of time and then asks to switch sides and then is done. I know there isn't milk. He knows there isn't milk. He's hanging on for the closeness, but I think he's starting to realize there's not much of a point. And all this crazy life stuff is happening and I wish I could take it back. But I can't. Really, in the grand scheme of things, I think him weaning at 2 is better than my accidentally getting pregnant before Stephen's health insurance kicks in.

I know it is. Ben will be OK in the end.

I just hate to see him go through the in-between.