Why is growing up so bittersweet?

Ben did not nurse tonight while I was home on my dinner break. This should be good news. Wasn't I weaning him? Wait. Why was that again?

So, first I wanted to get my fertility back, I guess to see if there was anything wrong with me and to start charting. I thought it would take months and months. Well, that's taken care of.

Next, I wanted to learn to chart, but know that being new, there could be an accident. Previously that was OK with me. What's the difference if things happen eight months earlier than we planned? It's just a few months, right? Well, Stephen's new job won't provide us with health insurance until he's worked there for six months. So now, that six months is vital. There can be no accidents. So, in our best financial interests, I switched back to the combo pill, knowing its a lot stronger than the mini pill and we'd be much safer from accidents.

Can't chart on the pill. I mean, you could, but it'd be silly. So really, I'll take the pills up until the insurance kicks in and then start charting, I guess.

I knew that the combo pill makes your supply tank. That was OK with me, since we were weaning.

Now, I have a period, I'm taking combo pills, and we're moving. Ben is having a really tough time with all of it. Especially the moving. The house is different. We're always cleaning. He can't make messes any more. His stuff is rapidly disappearing. OUR stuff is rapidly disappearing. To a 2-year-old, this is his whole world turning upside down. He has already regressed a ton with his potty training. He refuses to go pee-pee in his potty now. He will sit on it for awhile, but only goes in his diaper. Stephen took the diaper off and kept putting him back on the potty over and over today, about every 20-30 minutes or so. Nothing. Finally, he goes into the corner and pees on the carpet. And then he says outloud, "No pee-pee on carpet!" and tries to clean up the wet spot WITH MY PURSE!!!!!!!! Le sigh.

I didn't make a deal out of it. I told Stephen just to let the potty thing go. If our house in upheaval is already traumatizing him, I can't even imagine what it will be like when Stephen leaves, and then when we live with my mom, and then when we live in a whole new place ... of course he's going to regress. We're kidding ourselves if we think anything otherwise.

So wouldn't it make sense to just put all the weaning plans on hold, since he will clearly be needing to nurse more for security as all these changes happen in his life? Of course it would! And I really have no other reasons for weaning at 2 other than the ones I mentioned. (I'm ignoring the mounting family pressure. Really, I swear.)

But I think it's too late. The pills have tanked my supply. Now I literally have just a few drops when I used to have ounces and ounces. He gets this sad look on his face when he nurses. He latches for a very short period of time and then asks to switch sides and then is done. I know there isn't milk. He knows there isn't milk. He's hanging on for the closeness, but I think he's starting to realize there's not much of a point. And all this crazy life stuff is happening and I wish I could take it back. But I can't. Really, in the grand scheme of things, I think him weaning at 2 is better than my accidentally getting pregnant before Stephen's health insurance kicks in.

I know it is. Ben will be OK in the end.

I just hate to see him go through the in-between.

the final stretch

I have graduated my first adopt a mom mentee and received a new one, with twins. She's pumping for them currently and is trying to get them to nurse more. They do nurse some, but she's having some problems with latch and stuff. Ahh. My department. Anyway, so I decided I'd better read up on twins. So I got a bunch of books at the library yesterday. It was very fun to freak out my husband. "Why are you getting books on twins and triplets?" ha ha ha.

Also, along with those books, I spotted LLL's "How Weaning Happens" and decided to grab it. It's usually out and I know its a highly recommended book. I got a few pages into it last night, but had to put it down. I know we've got a long time still, and sometimes I am SOOOO tired of nursing. But when I think about weaning, about my son being weaned, being done, no more otherside, ever, I get kinda ... you know ... sad. There were lots and lots of weaning stories. Most of them didn't affect me too much, and I totally understood the mom's reasons for weaning, whatever they were.

But there was this one story about how a mom was determined to remember the last time her daughter nursed and write about it. Well, every so often, she would realize it had been a few days and to her horror, she couldn't remember the last time they nursed. "What if she never nurses again?" the mom would think. Well, a few more days would go by and she would nurse again. This happened a few times until the mom realized it had been more than a week. Surely that was the end. But then relatives came to visit and there were kids and dogs exploding this little girl's ordinarily quiet house. She loved it, but was overstimulated big time. That night, as she was laying next to her mom drifting off to sleep, she said, "Mom, I need to nurse." And that was the last time.

Big fat tears welled up in my eyes when I finished reading their story. And if you've ever nursed, I bet you know just how I feel. I love my son so much, and I do want to see him grow up and become independent and learn new skills, but yet there's still this bittersweet aspect to the whole thing. He'll always be my baby, you know?

I know I could let him self-wean and maybe that would make it easier, but I imagine I'll be sad no matter how it goes down, and I really do want to start TTC next summer. And in order to do that, I need my fertility back. That means "all done otherside" for the munchkin. My plan is to nurse freely up until his second birthday. I will feel that I've given him his birthright (according to the WHO) at that point. Then, we will begin "Don't offer, don't refuse." I'm giving him six whole months for a gentle weaning program. If it looks like it isn't going so well, then I might have to step up my practices as the summer gets closer. I don't want to traumatize him too much, but I also would like to get my period back a few months before TTC so I know where I am in my cycle. Sometimes I can hardly remember what it was like to have a period, its been so long.

That, I don't miss at all. :-)