Saturday, January 5, 2008

Why is growing up so bittersweet?

Ben did not nurse tonight while I was home on my dinner break. This should be good news. Wasn't I weaning him? Wait. Why was that again?

So, first I wanted to get my fertility back, I guess to see if there was anything wrong with me and to start charting. I thought it would take months and months. Well, that's taken care of.

Next, I wanted to learn to chart, but know that being new, there could be an accident. Previously that was OK with me. What's the difference if things happen eight months earlier than we planned? It's just a few months, right? Well, Stephen's new job won't provide us with health insurance until he's worked there for six months. So now, that six months is vital. There can be no accidents. So, in our best financial interests, I switched back to the combo pill, knowing its a lot stronger than the mini pill and we'd be much safer from accidents.

Can't chart on the pill. I mean, you could, but it'd be silly. So really, I'll take the pills up until the insurance kicks in and then start charting, I guess.

I knew that the combo pill makes your supply tank. That was OK with me, since we were weaning.

Now, I have a period, I'm taking combo pills, and we're moving. Ben is having a really tough time with all of it. Especially the moving. The house is different. We're always cleaning. He can't make messes any more. His stuff is rapidly disappearing. OUR stuff is rapidly disappearing. To a 2-year-old, this is his whole world turning upside down. He has already regressed a ton with his potty training. He refuses to go pee-pee in his potty now. He will sit on it for awhile, but only goes in his diaper. Stephen took the diaper off and kept putting him back on the potty over and over today, about every 20-30 minutes or so. Nothing. Finally, he goes into the corner and pees on the carpet. And then he says outloud, "No pee-pee on carpet!" and tries to clean up the wet spot WITH MY PURSE!!!!!!!! Le sigh.

I didn't make a deal out of it. I told Stephen just to let the potty thing go. If our house in upheaval is already traumatizing him, I can't even imagine what it will be like when Stephen leaves, and then when we live with my mom, and then when we live in a whole new place ... of course he's going to regress. We're kidding ourselves if we think anything otherwise.

So wouldn't it make sense to just put all the weaning plans on hold, since he will clearly be needing to nurse more for security as all these changes happen in his life? Of course it would! And I really have no other reasons for weaning at 2 other than the ones I mentioned. (I'm ignoring the mounting family pressure. Really, I swear.)

But I think it's too late. The pills have tanked my supply. Now I literally have just a few drops when I used to have ounces and ounces. He gets this sad look on his face when he nurses. He latches for a very short period of time and then asks to switch sides and then is done. I know there isn't milk. He knows there isn't milk. He's hanging on for the closeness, but I think he's starting to realize there's not much of a point. And all this crazy life stuff is happening and I wish I could take it back. But I can't. Really, in the grand scheme of things, I think him weaning at 2 is better than my accidentally getting pregnant before Stephen's health insurance kicks in.

I know it is. Ben will be OK in the end.

I just hate to see him go through the in-between.


Anna said...

Poor Ben. He will survive. It's good that you realize that it is going to be tough on him, and I know you'll do your best to make things as easy on him as possible. Not that you have a lot of extra time, but a lot of extra snuggling or something might help him feel that closeness he wants from nursing.

thesynergizer said...

You know, that's the thing that kills me the most. I say, "You want Mama to hold you?" and he says, "No Mama hold you!" and squirms away. The only time I really ever get to cuddle is when we nurse :-(

He does accept kisses and hugs now, so I give as many as possible.

For him, affection comes in the way of tickling and chasing games, but it gets so tiring after awhile and doesn't fill MY snuggling needs, KWIM?

Kendra said...

I don't know you, but after reading Kristen's thoughts on nursing yesterday and leaving her a very long comment, I decided to check out your blog. I hope that's okay. Anyway...I remember weaning and how hard it was, but I think it was harder for me than them. My DS surprisingly self-weaned at 10 months. Seriously! My DD self-weaned at 20 months. I remember crying and wondering if our relationship would change, but it didn't either time. Moving has always been hard on our DS as well. It sounds like you're doing the right things. I hope that all goes well for you.

thesynergizer said...

Of course its OK! I'm glad to hear your story, its really helpful. Thank you for the encouragement.

Would you mind linking to your other comments so I can figure out who you are though? You don't have to, you've just got me curious now. I can't think of anyone I know named Kristen ...

thesynergizer said...

OH, ok, i figured out who you're talking about. :-)
in that case, your being here means a lot to me. thanks so much for the support.