Why is growing up so bittersweet?

Ben did not nurse tonight while I was home on my dinner break. This should be good news. Wasn't I weaning him? Wait. Why was that again?

So, first I wanted to get my fertility back, I guess to see if there was anything wrong with me and to start charting. I thought it would take months and months. Well, that's taken care of.

Next, I wanted to learn to chart, but know that being new, there could be an accident. Previously that was OK with me. What's the difference if things happen eight months earlier than we planned? It's just a few months, right? Well, Stephen's new job won't provide us with health insurance until he's worked there for six months. So now, that six months is vital. There can be no accidents. So, in our best financial interests, I switched back to the combo pill, knowing its a lot stronger than the mini pill and we'd be much safer from accidents.

Can't chart on the pill. I mean, you could, but it'd be silly. So really, I'll take the pills up until the insurance kicks in and then start charting, I guess.

I knew that the combo pill makes your supply tank. That was OK with me, since we were weaning.

Now, I have a period, I'm taking combo pills, and we're moving. Ben is having a really tough time with all of it. Especially the moving. The house is different. We're always cleaning. He can't make messes any more. His stuff is rapidly disappearing. OUR stuff is rapidly disappearing. To a 2-year-old, this is his whole world turning upside down. He has already regressed a ton with his potty training. He refuses to go pee-pee in his potty now. He will sit on it for awhile, but only goes in his diaper. Stephen took the diaper off and kept putting him back on the potty over and over today, about every 20-30 minutes or so. Nothing. Finally, he goes into the corner and pees on the carpet. And then he says outloud, "No pee-pee on carpet!" and tries to clean up the wet spot WITH MY PURSE!!!!!!!! Le sigh.

I didn't make a deal out of it. I told Stephen just to let the potty thing go. If our house in upheaval is already traumatizing him, I can't even imagine what it will be like when Stephen leaves, and then when we live with my mom, and then when we live in a whole new place ... of course he's going to regress. We're kidding ourselves if we think anything otherwise.

So wouldn't it make sense to just put all the weaning plans on hold, since he will clearly be needing to nurse more for security as all these changes happen in his life? Of course it would! And I really have no other reasons for weaning at 2 other than the ones I mentioned. (I'm ignoring the mounting family pressure. Really, I swear.)

But I think it's too late. The pills have tanked my supply. Now I literally have just a few drops when I used to have ounces and ounces. He gets this sad look on his face when he nurses. He latches for a very short period of time and then asks to switch sides and then is done. I know there isn't milk. He knows there isn't milk. He's hanging on for the closeness, but I think he's starting to realize there's not much of a point. And all this crazy life stuff is happening and I wish I could take it back. But I can't. Really, in the grand scheme of things, I think him weaning at 2 is better than my accidentally getting pregnant before Stephen's health insurance kicks in.

I know it is. Ben will be OK in the end.

I just hate to see him go through the in-between.

An uh-oh

I wrote this woman after seeing this article linked in the breastfeeding community on lj.

I said:

"Dear Jeannie Babb Taylor,

I loved every last word of your article on breastfeeding. I write a column called "Mama Talk" for the newspaper I work at in Aberdeen, Wash., and occasionally mention that my 22-month-old is still nursing. No one has specifically said that they have a problem with my writing about it, but I know I get funny looks sometimes. And outside of the office, coworkers occasionally say things like, "Oh, that's right, you're still nursing ..."

I am so glad that someone educated and respectable has spoken up on this vital topic. Your column was filled with more than just the grim statistics, but witty observations about why it is that this problem persists even though, especially as a society, we all should know better. Thank you so very much for becoming a voice for all of us underground "boob nazis." (Maybe someday, that horribly offensive term will be replaced with something that mainstream America can embrace.) Your article was an inspiration and I plan to spread it as far as I can reach."

What I meant was linking it all over the intrawebz, but I didn't realize that I had accidentally written her from my work email. (I clicked on of those "contact the author" buttons and that's where it took me. It was late at night and I wasn't paying much attention. Opps.)

Well, she wrote back,

Suzanne, thank you so much for the encouraging email. Congratulations on nursing your little guy for 22 months. That’s wonderful! My children have nursed anywhere from 14 months to 4 years. Did you know some women have begun calling it “full-term breastfeeding” instead of “extended breastfeeding” -- to get away from the idea that they are extending (dragging out) the breastfeeding relationship. I really hope that we will see breastfeeding normalized, as you say. It should be bottlefeeding that is exceptional, not breastfeeding. I’ve heard worse terms of address than “boob nazis” – How about “nipple nazis?” Personally, I prefer lactivist!

Anyway, thanks for writing! It’s always exciting to hear from other columnists.

Oh, I see that you are also an editor for the paper. If you’d like to use the article as a “guest columnist” submission, I’d be honored to send you the Word file.

Sincerely,

Jeannie Babb Taylor
www.OntheOtherHandColumn.blogspot.com

Yipes! Do I tell her I meant to contact her as a fellow blogger and not as a fellow journalist? Do I actually bring up the idea of running the column with my bosses? (They're all guys!) or do I tell her we're not interested. We are! I am , anyway. I guess I could just not reply, but that seems lame too. Man, I so did not mean to mix blogging and work like this!

Would you like mayo on that?

I drempt that I was pregnant and all I could keep down was mayo and I was eating it out of the jar. Just so you know, I hate mayo and woke up very grossed out, and yet for some reason was compelled to put some on my turkey sandwich at lunch today. What?!?!

Do you know how much trouble I would be in if I were actually pregnant? Dude, next summer is going to come along soon enough. We just got Ben sleeping in his own room, he's still nursing, though much less than before, and I haven't even started sleeping through the whole night yet myself! The last thing I need is to have to force wean or deal with the creepy crawlies that come from nursing while pregnant.

So why the mayo? I could not even begin to tell you.

Losing my roots

When I was pregnant, and when Ben was a new baby, I was like, no over-commercialized crappy Americana for my baby!

Now, I'm like, "OMG, Ben would look SOOOOOO cute in that Elmo Halloween costume from Mal-Wart." (Yes, we call it Mal-Wart!)

Reread that. Now take a blunt object and hit me over the head a few times.

We're meeting up with some potential new friends on Sunday, and she's all like, "My baby will never even know what Elmo is" and I laughed and laughed and laughed some more. (She knows this. I told her I thought it was funny that she was saying that.) But the truth is, I'm kind of hoping she rubs off on us somewhat. We're going out to a vegetarian lunch, which I'm pretty nostalgic for. I know I could just stop eating meat again if I wanted to, but it would be such an inconvenience to everyone around me that I just haven't. It's not that the meat is bad. It's just that there's a lot of it and I miss the creative things I used to eat when I wasn't eating meat.

At least I still drink organic milk. That's like the only crunchy thing I've got left going for me. Well, OK, that and breastfeeding my toddler. :-)

Not as TMI as it sounds

I have a huge hickey on my left boob, but I swear, it's not what you think. Nothing scandalous, I swear. In fact, its not even what you think after you stop for a minute and go," OH, I know what it is."

I bet you're thinking that it's from nursing Ben while we were both on sleeping drugs. Like maybe he latched wrong because he was sleepy and I didn't correct him because I was sleepy. And that would make a lot of sense, expect for the part where it just wasn't what happened. I got the hickey on my lunch break yesterday. How? I have no idea. You'd think I'd notice if he was really sucking on the side of my boob instead of being centered on the nipple. That's usually a recipe for pain. And you'd think that HE would notice that he was sucking on flesh (where there are no holes for milk to come out) instead of actually nursing ... but I guess not. All I know is that when I went to switch him sides yesterday, there it was. I said, "Mama side ouchie!" and he said "Sorry" and gave it a gentle kiss.

My husband told me I shouldn't have done that since it wasn't really his fault, but I want him to learn some empathy here, and will jump at any opportunity I get to teach him the concept. I know I'm not starting to wean yet, but I think the whole thing will go much smoother if he already understands the idea that sometimes nursing can hurt Mama and that we need to be respectful of people if our actions are causing them pain.

You know, or "Mama side ouchie. Kissie? Love Mama. Otherside!!!!!"