Tuesday, August 14, 2007


Is it rude to downright ask someone if you can be their bridesmaid?

Don't say yes, obviously I know it is, or I wouldn't be writing this, but seriously, this person was MY bridesmaid, we've known each other since I was 11 and have actually remained friends for all this time. We just went to visit her for three and a half days, and we only saw her for about 11 hours total. The time she had to be at work, I understand, and the romantic trip with her boyfriend I guess I understand because he messed up the dates of when we'd be there and couldn't get his money back.

And I'm trying really hard to understand her bailing on us Sunday night because he called her half drunk and sad that his ex-wife was getting remarried that day. She already knew that he'd be sad. Maybe she should have just invited him over for the day and we could all hang out. Then he'd at least be distracted. I don't know. Looking back, I probably would have made all the same decisions that she did in her situation. And I know I dumped my friends A LOT while I was dating and engaged. I was in love and that's like the most important thing EVAH!!!!!!!!!! I'm very grateful to the ones who stuck it out with me. I lost a LOT of friends during that time. And I know I deserved it too.

(You know you're ready to get married when you no longer have to say, "Oh, I'm sorry I can't talk right now, my boyfriend's here." Trust me, once you're married, you'll be thrilled that your friends called you. You'll tell him, "Sorry dear, I can't hang out with you tonight, my friend called.")

Anyway, I digress. She was really, really apologetic as she left, and said a bunch of stuff like "Please don't hate me" and whatever. I never said I wasn't mad, cause I was, but did tell her that if she felt she had to go, just go instead of spending 20 minutes explaining and rationalizing it and basically asking for my permission. She told us not to worry about cleaning (we did a little, but admittedly not as much as we would have otherwise. We were also running late, so it's good that she gave us permission not to clean) and that we should help ourselves to whatever we wanted, blah blah blah. I did try to eat as much of her food as humanly possible to make myself feel better, but it wasn't working too well. Plus, a lot of her food was lame non-fat fake stuff.

Finally, I said to my husband "I want to be a bridesmaid." I think she owes me that much. Besides, I've never been a bridesmaid and know I'd make a really good one. She planned my wedding shower and I'd like the chance to do the same for her. And most of me thinks she probably already realizes all of this. But I think I'll be pretty sad if she doesn't.

I can think of two other close friends of hers that would probably rank above me. I'm in no way expecting to be maid (OK matron) of honor. But I think I might be about her third-closest friend, and I don't know too many people, especially those who want big, huge weddings that their parents are paying for who have only two bridesmaids.

Should I say something? Hint? Or be polite and suck it up if I don't get asked? Or, and this is what I'm most worried about, not say anything and plan to just suck it up, but then break down and have all of this come out at her in an emotional flood of upsetness after she's already asked other people?


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Kate said...

What's with the previous comment?

I have been a bridesmaid, let's see, 4 times ... and I am so done with being a bridesmaid. I completely understand that desire to be a bridesmaid, I desired it once myself. And, of course, I totally loved everyone who asked me to be a bridesmaid and was honored to participate in the wedding ... but it's not all that it's cracked up to be, and I sincerely hope I am never asked to be one again.

Being a bridesmaid takes a ton of time and even more MONEY. You have to spend a million dollars on a super fancy dress that you will never wear again (I have only worn 1 of the 4 dresses a second time). You have to spend a ton of money to get your hair done, and sometimes your finger and toenails.

It's just so expensive and time consuming. Call me a scrooge, but I am done with them.

thesynergizer said...

you know, i have no idea. definitely weird. I clicked on the english version and it took me to a T-shirt selling site. whatever.

i know you have to pay for your dress (although one of my bridesmaids didn't, which frustrated me) and I would probably do my own nails. As for hair, that would probably depend on whether the bride wanted us all to match. At my wedding, she did her own hair, plus the hair of my maid of honor. Anyway, even if it is expensive, its an experience I want to have at least once.

you never answered the question though. say something? don't? hint? help!!!!!!

Kate said...

I guess I would either say nothing, or casually ask who she's having in the wedding party. I don't think I'd say, "Hey, do I get to be a bridesmaid?"

I had a very good friend not ask me to be a bridesmaid or even be the bridal assistant (is that what it's called) and I was pretty shocked, especially considering the people she did have in her wedding party. I was a little bit hurt, and I still don't totally understand why she didn't ask me to be involved at all. But I'm over it, we're still good friends. She was in my wedding party too.

I have to admit that I was in the wedding party for a friend and I didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid. I asked her to sing in our wedding and to be the assistant (I had two assistants). She was visibly upset when she realized I wasn't going to ask her to be in the wedding, but Joel and I wanted a small party - we had 3 on each side. And he felt like he really would have been stretching to ask a 4th person to be on his side. He probably would have asked one of my brothers, but then there's that whole issue of how come just one brother and not the other? etc. etc.

Anonymous said...

Fuck that manners stuff. Just ask, so at least you'll know where you stand instead of blabbing insecurely on a blog. Wah wah wah. Just ask. And if she says no, cut her off. After all, she was a shithead during your visit.

thesynergizer said...

hi brad. that's interesting advice, considering i'd expect you to say something like, "who the hell cares about dumb stuff like bridesmaids?"
i'll consider it. i think it will depend on what i hear from her in the next few weeks.